Saturday Ruined

On Saturday morning my family and I headed from home to do the shopping.  This is the perfect start to a weekend for me.  Shopping does NOT include heading to the soulless, heart destroying large supermarkets, rather strolling through the local veggie market, browsing through the aisle of the small Asian food shop.  It is in these moments I feel new life breathing over me, in these moments when life slows down everything starts to look new.

Like I was saying, on Saturday morning my family and I headed off to do the shopping.  Everything was going swimmingly, we had got our hands on a bunch of great fresh veg’s, including our newly discovered Bok Choy.  We left the market and wandered down the street.  In an instance my morning was ruined, my perfect start had come to an abrupt halt.  I stood on the pavement wrestling over whether this was an awful moment, or a great moment.  My kids ran past with huge excitement, I stood and stared.

We had come across a newly painted shop wall, painted with blackboard paint, a tray with chalk nailed to the wall, and a question.  A question that has continued to hound me, stir me, frighten me.  The question was simple, non-offensive, designed to spark, maybe to provoke.  For me it undid me.  I stood on the pavement feeling naked and vulnerable.  The question was “what do you want to do before you die”.  Simple question, and the wall had some simple answers, answers like, fall in love, visit Africa, etc.  My kids loved this, they grabbed a bit of chalk and started scrolling down the first thing that popped into their head.  Me, well I stood on the pavement admiring the beauty of this wall, and wrestling with why it was that I had no immediate answer to the question.

I would have thought that I, more than many, would have no problem answering this question.  See I have lived the last 16 years dreaming, allowing God to ignite my imagination.  Through those 16 years I have had many highs and just as many lows.  I have gotten married, had 4 children, I have suffered from depression, I been too busy at times, I have been lazy at other times, and I’ve known loneliness even when surrounded by people who love me.  Yet in those years I have dreamed, my imagination has been captured by the love of God, and His glorious plan for all of creation.  I have dreamed about what is not yet, but is still certain.  I have looked at the way things are, the pain, the suffering, the injustice and I have dreamed about how it could look different.

The dream has always been that somehow, in some way I would play a part in God’s great redemptive plan.  I have always felt that in spite of my deep inadequacies, my deep insecurities, God could, and would use me.  As I stood on that pavement staring at a question, a question I have for so long had an answer for, I realized I had stopped dreaming.  This question no longer provoked hope and excitement, but rather despair.  My perfect Saturday morning was ruined, how did this happen? When did this happen?  Will I ever again feel I can answer that question?  These were the thoughts running through my head while standing on the pavement staring at the wall.

As Christians we often talk about “call”, “purpose”, “plan”, but I think God is wanting us to Dream, to allow Him to invade our imagination.

I am starting a journey.

This journey is about allowing God in once again.

I hope to find hope, I desire to dream.

As this journey continues I will continue to visit the blackboard, and one day I hope to race to the chalk, and to start eagerly writing down the things that come rushing to my mind.

Each week I will blog about this journey

Because this world is in need of dreamers

Join with me and engage your imagination

Advertisements